Religious Hypocrite

So the whole reason I started this blog was to share my journey and maybe see if the lessons I learn can apply to others.
Recovery literature says we're only as sick as our secrets. Well there'll be no secrets once this post is published.
I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and I'm a crack-whore.
Not was.
AM.
Saturday night I was performing oral sex on a guy to get him to share a few lousy tokes of crack cocaine with me and Sunday morning I was standing AT THE PULPIT GIVING A SACRAMENT TALK THAT PEOPLE SAID PIERCED THEIR HEARTS.
Who I am at Church is not who I am in the rest of the world.
My God how can I stand this?
I'm at the crossroads.
The Big Book of AA states that many addicts pursue the delusion that they will someday control their addiction to the gates of insanity and even death.  Certainly I've pursued and am pursuing that delusion right through the howling winds of insanity. Why else would I keep doing it if I still didn't believe that somehow, someway, this time it will be different? 
I'm in terror that I may well ;pursue this delusion straight to death.
I have a testimony. That can't be faked. The first Sunday of every month I can and do testify that the Gospel has rescued me and is rescuing me and I am not lying.
Yet here I am in the grip of an addiction that is robbing me of my self-respect and my sanity.
Is this cognitive dissonance at its hypocritical worst? Or am I just being what many members in good standing of the Church are, a sinner who keeps on trying? Even typing that last line feels like an act of self-justification.
I have no idea where I'm heading but I feel somewhat purged. The Atonement still stands. I can pursue it as freely as I have pursued addiction. I don't believe its too late to pursue The Atonement to the gates of sanity.

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